Today, I was fearful.
Well, truthfully, I am still fearful. But lesser so now. Let me explain.
This summer, I have decided to stay home. This is for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I felt the Lord's calling in my heart to do the uncomfortable, the uncool, the practical. I also feel undeniably that this summer my main purpose this summer is to spend time with the Lord and love on my family.
The one thing that slips through our hands as humans is time, and for artists that is our number one excuse and question.
"What would you do differently if you had more time?"
Every time someone asks me this during critique, I want to answer differently than I do. I want to say that I would have used that extra time time talking to my mom or a friend instead of the computer, that I would have seen the sunset, that I would have gone on an adventure, that I would have made something that I was proud of.
Usually though, I just say something standard, like that I would have made it into a motion graphic... or something.
But this summer, I have been given time. And I'm terrified.
I'll also be interning at a design agency... and I'm currently more scared than excited. Sense a theme?
Fear, because it's unknown. Because it's not safe. Because nothing that comforts me at school - friends, having work to fill the empty time, my own apartment - will be at home. None of the cool mountainous overlooks or even Wey hall. None. Just home, and a few friends, and a whole lot of time. None of which fills me, none of which makes me whole.
But you know the one thing that will be the same, the one thing that does fill me? Jesus. He's been showing me that, all my life. I just usually don't notice it.
I realized today that this emptiness, this ache, this loneliness that I carry around with me all the time is something I have chosen for myself. That every hole in my heart was punched in by my own hand. That most of these sharp feelings could have been avoided if I had been seeking the truth.
Because I'm not alone. Because I have the Lord of the Universe in my heart, who will never leave me or forsake me. The Lord who created me, who loves every part of me. Who never ends any conversation with Him with hate - always love. Because He is Love.
I'm overwhelmed, in the best way. And still scared, because I'm silly, but not as afraid, somehow. Because somewhere in between my cries of anguish and my cries of joy, He lifted those fears right out of my hands. His yolk is easy and his burden is light, as I'm learning. But that's a story for another day.
So now I'm thankful, because I have been given time this summer - and who knows when that will be a gift again. I've been given time to learn how to love, how to trust, how to fall in love with my Savior anew.
Because alone is different than lonely, and solitude can be a beautiful thing.
