I realize that I haven't posted in... well... months. With so many blogs and articles floating around Facebook I didn't feel that I had anything worthwhile to add to the masses.
Well, today I do, because nothing I have to say is about me.
It's about Jesus.
But first, I have something to confess: last week I didn't want to go to IndyCC. [IndyCC is a winter conference for the Great Lakes region of Cru. A huge part of my internship this summer was to help plan the conference.] I didn't want to go because I was convinced that I screwed it up. Convinced that my leadership and planning this summer ruined the conference. I was sick to my stomach with worry to see everyone and face my failures.
Dramatic, right?
But it's how I felt. I'm always quick to jump to the worst and most outlandish conclusion, as many of you know. But once I got to the conference it was instantly obvious how much it was not about me. Hilariously obvious, actually. There was so much more planning and thought put into the conference than I would ever guess - and God had much bigger plans than any of us expected.
And it doesn't end there.
This whole semester has been a battle. A battle against myself, mostly, against lies and isolation and loneliness. A battle that shouldn't have ever happened to begin with. Reflecting over break has made me realize that. How selfish I have been, how my prayers have reflected only a superficial understanding of God's divine plan. How self-focused I have been, reaching out to serve or genuinely care about others very little. Slowly but surely Papa has been revealing these things, which has been needed but certainly not easy.
And it was with these thoughts and regrets lying heavily on my heart that I began to worship. I began to sing, to raise my hands and my heart and feel the regrets melt as the warmth in my chest grew brighter and brighter. There is no chance for anything dark against His holy light.
"I have decided to follow Jesus," we all sang, over 2,000 college students vowing to surrender. As I sang those words another phrase came to mind, a phrase I heard in a song from a Pslam, the phrase
Forever Your Praises Will Be on My Lips.
That simple sentence stopped me in my tracks. It stands for so many things in my life, but most importantly it stood for what I wanted this new year - this whole new life, really - to be. That no longer would my lips say lies or self pity or tear others down or seek glory for myself, but they would praise You. They will always give You the credit and they will always seek You first. This phrase has become my resolution, if you will. My promise to God for this year.
Because He has given us so much grace. So much wisdom and love and talent, that we may bring Him glory. And even as I reflect more, I see how beautiful it is that I am not perfect or consider myself all that wise, because He is ALL of that and so much MORE. He is the ultimate package. He is perfect so that I do not have to be. He died so that I do not have to live in this heavy darkness anymore.
I refuse to make this a "conference high". I refuse to go back to how I acted last semester. If you catch me doing it, call me out - please. I am prone to wander but I know that He will bind my wandering heart to Him, my wandering, constantly being renewed heart.
And even this week, renewing friendships and making unexpected new ones, shows His faithfulness. This week was one full of the lightest joy, catching up with my project friends and exploring new places. Hearing truth and worshipping and allowing myself to give up my control and idea of how my life should go. And seeing His face not only in the sunrise, but in the eyes of all my brothers and sisters. And, of course, laughing so hard I cry.
He chooses the doubter, the failure, the prostitute, the worrier, the inadequate - and renews them. If that doesn't pull your heart strings, I don't know what will.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." -Matthew 11:28-29
Because He is good, and I am so thankful.
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