You know what movie scene has been playing over and over in my head recently? (No, not a part from Frozen or the Secret Life of Walter Mitty, although those were likely guesses). The part from The Incredibles, near the end, where Violet is standing talking to a friend at Dash's track meet. Her hair is pulled back, she's standing confidently, finally feeling like she has a purpose. And her crush, Tony Ryender, interrupts their conversation (which is rude, but whatever). He seems intimidated by her instead of the other way around, saying that she looks different. And she asks, "I feel different... Is different okay?" And he answers, "yeah, different is" - cough - "great".
Different. I feel different too.
I'm convinced that this skin takes some time to grow into. That who you are meant to be, who God has created you to be, it takes time to get there. I believe that it is a journey. But I also believe that He gives you moments, glimpses really, into His plan, and glimpses of His skilled hands and love, for you, His created beloved. That even when we feel like we aren't "there yet", we are just where He wants us to be. It's weird and hard to explain, but I like it. I like knowing that He is in control.
I mentioned in my last post how I feel that I am finally accepting and enjoying who the Lord has made me to be, and it has been such a cool experience. I'm not meaning this in a way to say that I am so great, but rather He is so great, because He is the One who is putting all these things in motion.
I don't know how to explain it, other than love. Other than peace. Other than an uncanny understanding that everything will be all right, that He is right next to me, holding my hand and my heart in His. It's golden, it's like summer sun. It's comforting, and it's also fleeting. Because just as He gives glimpses, He also tests us. Because as humans, we have the tendency to get comfortable, to forget how much we need Him. Because pride and self pity and sin creeps in, and He oftentimes has to do some repair work in our hearts.
I'm writing this because I want to remember. I want to remember the work He has done in my heart, to strengthen and secure, to teach and to love. I want to remember His warmth and comfort. I don't want to forget in the moments He feels withdrawn. I want to cling not to this memory, but to the truth that this memory brings.
And I want to live my life in response and pursuit of Him and His truth. Different, in a good way.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Sunday, August 10, 2014
I haven't written in awhile.
I just haven't had much to say, or felt like anything I had to say was valid. The shame I couldn't name, the self doubt and the sadness, the bits of glass still left in my blood left me speechless and dry. I felt stuck, all summer. Trapped in an internship that was harder than it should have been, at home, burying myself in books and television and work. I told myself that if I just worked a little harder, then I would deserve rest. If I just earned a bigger paycheck, I would have worth and all my dreams would be attainable. That the hours I spent in silence in front of the computer, running from my thoughts, were worth it.
I was so wrong.
And I didn't realize it until the week before school started.
I'm only starting to realize it, only starting to allow myself to heal from the shame that has buried itself in my skin like a splinter, that has shaped my fingerprint and my worldview for far too long.
The shame that had slowly begun to motivate my work, my art, rather than passion. The art that was empty at the end of the day, dissatisfying.
This summer, I spent time with my family that was needed more than I expected. Met up with friends and laughed and shared hearts. I came up to school for a few weeks and enjoyed the mountain beauty. I relaxed and made a dent in my reading list. I designed, a lot. It was low key and for the most part, peaceful.
But it didn't make me happy, it didn't satisfy. I found myself running from silence more each day, emptied and feeling the void in my chest, black and silent, with a terrifying gravitational pull. It could swallow me. It almost did.
It amazes me, always, that God allows me to call myself a follower of Him. That He allows my brokenness to be associated with His grace and love. That despite my sin and self pity and unfaithfulness, He is still working.
This summer, He taught me that I have worth just by existing, because He made me. That my skill can and should honor Him, but my worth isn't dependent on that.
This summer, He taught me how to rest without guilt eating me up inside. That's still a work in progress, but I'm getting there.
This summer, He taught me how to love who He made me to be. Quirks and all.
This summer, He taught me how to enjoy a day instead of looking toward the end result.
This summer, He taught me how much more growing I have to do. But I welcome it, because it means becoming more like Him.
And now this summer is nearly over, and I'm antsy and ready and terrified for my senior year. But - there's always one - He is in control, even though I have no idea where I'll be a year from now.
You know what? I'm okay with that.
I just haven't had much to say, or felt like anything I had to say was valid. The shame I couldn't name, the self doubt and the sadness, the bits of glass still left in my blood left me speechless and dry. I felt stuck, all summer. Trapped in an internship that was harder than it should have been, at home, burying myself in books and television and work. I told myself that if I just worked a little harder, then I would deserve rest. If I just earned a bigger paycheck, I would have worth and all my dreams would be attainable. That the hours I spent in silence in front of the computer, running from my thoughts, were worth it.
I was so wrong.
And I didn't realize it until the week before school started.
I'm only starting to realize it, only starting to allow myself to heal from the shame that has buried itself in my skin like a splinter, that has shaped my fingerprint and my worldview for far too long.
The shame that had slowly begun to motivate my work, my art, rather than passion. The art that was empty at the end of the day, dissatisfying.
This summer, I spent time with my family that was needed more than I expected. Met up with friends and laughed and shared hearts. I came up to school for a few weeks and enjoyed the mountain beauty. I relaxed and made a dent in my reading list. I designed, a lot. It was low key and for the most part, peaceful.
But it didn't make me happy, it didn't satisfy. I found myself running from silence more each day, emptied and feeling the void in my chest, black and silent, with a terrifying gravitational pull. It could swallow me. It almost did.
It amazes me, always, that God allows me to call myself a follower of Him. That He allows my brokenness to be associated with His grace and love. That despite my sin and self pity and unfaithfulness, He is still working.
This summer, He taught me that I have worth just by existing, because He made me. That my skill can and should honor Him, but my worth isn't dependent on that.
This summer, He taught me how to rest without guilt eating me up inside. That's still a work in progress, but I'm getting there.
This summer, He taught me how to love who He made me to be. Quirks and all.
This summer, He taught me how to enjoy a day instead of looking toward the end result.
This summer, He taught me how much more growing I have to do. But I welcome it, because it means becoming more like Him.
And now this summer is nearly over, and I'm antsy and ready and terrified for my senior year. But - there's always one - He is in control, even though I have no idea where I'll be a year from now.
You know what? I'm okay with that.
Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
Psalm 91:1-4
Monday, May 5, 2014
The Fear of Solitude.
Today, I was fearful.
Well, truthfully, I am still fearful. But lesser so now. Let me explain.
This summer, I have decided to stay home. This is for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I felt the Lord's calling in my heart to do the uncomfortable, the uncool, the practical. I also feel undeniably that this summer my main purpose this summer is to spend time with the Lord and love on my family.
The one thing that slips through our hands as humans is time, and for artists that is our number one excuse and question.
"What would you do differently if you had more time?"
Every time someone asks me this during critique, I want to answer differently than I do. I want to say that I would have used that extra time time talking to my mom or a friend instead of the computer, that I would have seen the sunset, that I would have gone on an adventure, that I would have made something that I was proud of.
Usually though, I just say something standard, like that I would have made it into a motion graphic... or something.
But this summer, I have been given time. And I'm terrified.
I'll also be interning at a design agency... and I'm currently more scared than excited. Sense a theme?
Fear, because it's unknown. Because it's not safe. Because nothing that comforts me at school - friends, having work to fill the empty time, my own apartment - will be at home. None of the cool mountainous overlooks or even Wey hall. None. Just home, and a few friends, and a whole lot of time. None of which fills me, none of which makes me whole.
But you know the one thing that will be the same, the one thing that does fill me? Jesus. He's been showing me that, all my life. I just usually don't notice it.
I realized today that this emptiness, this ache, this loneliness that I carry around with me all the time is something I have chosen for myself. That every hole in my heart was punched in by my own hand. That most of these sharp feelings could have been avoided if I had been seeking the truth.
Because I'm not alone. Because I have the Lord of the Universe in my heart, who will never leave me or forsake me. The Lord who created me, who loves every part of me. Who never ends any conversation with Him with hate - always love. Because He is Love.
I'm overwhelmed, in the best way. And still scared, because I'm silly, but not as afraid, somehow. Because somewhere in between my cries of anguish and my cries of joy, He lifted those fears right out of my hands. His yolk is easy and his burden is light, as I'm learning. But that's a story for another day.
So now I'm thankful, because I have been given time this summer - and who knows when that will be a gift again. I've been given time to learn how to love, how to trust, how to fall in love with my Savior anew.
Because alone is different than lonely, and solitude can be a beautiful thing.
Well, truthfully, I am still fearful. But lesser so now. Let me explain.
This summer, I have decided to stay home. This is for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I felt the Lord's calling in my heart to do the uncomfortable, the uncool, the practical. I also feel undeniably that this summer my main purpose this summer is to spend time with the Lord and love on my family.
The one thing that slips through our hands as humans is time, and for artists that is our number one excuse and question.
"What would you do differently if you had more time?"
Every time someone asks me this during critique, I want to answer differently than I do. I want to say that I would have used that extra time time talking to my mom or a friend instead of the computer, that I would have seen the sunset, that I would have gone on an adventure, that I would have made something that I was proud of.
Usually though, I just say something standard, like that I would have made it into a motion graphic... or something.
But this summer, I have been given time. And I'm terrified.
I'll also be interning at a design agency... and I'm currently more scared than excited. Sense a theme?
Fear, because it's unknown. Because it's not safe. Because nothing that comforts me at school - friends, having work to fill the empty time, my own apartment - will be at home. None of the cool mountainous overlooks or even Wey hall. None. Just home, and a few friends, and a whole lot of time. None of which fills me, none of which makes me whole.
But you know the one thing that will be the same, the one thing that does fill me? Jesus. He's been showing me that, all my life. I just usually don't notice it.
I realized today that this emptiness, this ache, this loneliness that I carry around with me all the time is something I have chosen for myself. That every hole in my heart was punched in by my own hand. That most of these sharp feelings could have been avoided if I had been seeking the truth.
Because I'm not alone. Because I have the Lord of the Universe in my heart, who will never leave me or forsake me. The Lord who created me, who loves every part of me. Who never ends any conversation with Him with hate - always love. Because He is Love.
I'm overwhelmed, in the best way. And still scared, because I'm silly, but not as afraid, somehow. Because somewhere in between my cries of anguish and my cries of joy, He lifted those fears right out of my hands. His yolk is easy and his burden is light, as I'm learning. But that's a story for another day.
So now I'm thankful, because I have been given time this summer - and who knows when that will be a gift again. I've been given time to learn how to love, how to trust, how to fall in love with my Savior anew.
Because alone is different than lonely, and solitude can be a beautiful thing.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Today,
I am thankful and overwhelmed with the faithfulness of my
Savior.
I awoke with tears in my eyes that overflowed from my heart,
uncontrollable. Good tears, light and bubbly and flecked with the sunrise
colors of joy that left me floating. Such a change from the sticky tar tears of
self pity or the acidic bolts of anxiety that I’m so used to.
I feel a change coming, rolling toward me like the tide, not
so different from the one that rolls inside of me. I feel like I’ve been in a
constant state of change since I moved from Texas to North Carolina in high
school. Not a good thing or a bad thing, but it’s been hard to get my bearings
with a ground that is slippery like ice and just as unpredictable.
Not that God calls us to be safe.
I’m learning that. I’m learning what it looks like to live
in constant surrender to Him, trusting all the way. I’m learning my calling,
learning not to be ashamed of my shortcomings, not to apologize for my passion.
I’ve come so full circle in the last four years. I’ve seen
myself change from the scared little girl I was – the child who liked art but
doubted her hands and mind and ability to create, the girl who doubted that her
Savior had plans for her. The girl who created in quiet, who hated the things
her hands made, who neatly cleaned up the evidence and hid her creations in the
dark.
I’ve seen myself change as I’ve found a niche, as a young girl
finds something she can do well, at last, a slice of the universe just her size.
She threw herself into design and into the computer, pursing excellence in
hopes of finally proving myself, but instead losing identity and hours and
sleep over color palettes and the pursuit of perfection in Bezier curves.
I’ve seen myself fall over from exhaustion, on my knees,
feeling both ancient and like an infant, stomach twisted. Empty, because I’ve
given all I have in pursuit of craft, emptied out like an addict’s cup. My will
and purpose melted, my corner of the universe suddenly too tight and
suffocating, because I wasn’t sure who I am anymore.
And now… I’m clean, white, a blank page. And as I sit here
to write a poem to my Papa, He reveals Himself. He turns the white to patterns
and words and pictures and stories, each one deeper and richer than the last.
He turns dark tears to light, fills my soul with the gold dust of hope and
deepens the roots of my faith. The layers of my heart, slowing peeling off with
perfect timing to reveal a new creation each time.
He is showing me so much, exactly what I can handle. I am
the least qualified and the most broken, but that is what He does: He restores.
He creates and redeems and gives, because He loves us. I can never repay the
debt or understand the depth of His love, but I’m going to spend my whole life
trying, hands open, handing it all back to Him.
And I don’t just mean my life on this earth, I mean eternity
– I mean that even when I die here, I will be even closer to Him, praising and
creating with Him forever. I cannot wait.
And for now, I will stop apologizing so much. I will stop
hiding, I will stop apologizing for my existence, stop apologizing that my art
looks different or because someone doesn’t understand. I will stop apologizing
for my heart, for my looks, for my words, because He has made me and I am
beautiful. And it’s good to believe that, because I have been made whole.
My favorite part? He has a plan for everyone. Everyone He
has made has a purpose and is beautiful and is so unique and needed. We often
don’t believe that we have worth. I like to think about this: if there was only
one person in all creation, He would have still died for you. He loves you that
much.
This verse has been in my heart for a few months now, a
daily reminder:
"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the
LORD's purpose that prevails."
Proverbs 19:21
He is sovereign, and He has a plan. He will challenge and
speak more clearly at some times over others, but He is always there. So much
comfort in that, because He is all powerful and holds all of creation in His
perfect, skilled, hands. Rest in His arms today.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Forever Your Praises Will Be on My Lips.
Hello everyone.
I realize that I haven't posted in... well... months. With so many blogs and articles floating around Facebook I didn't feel that I had anything worthwhile to add to the masses.
Well, today I do, because nothing I have to say is about me.
It's about Jesus.
But first, I have something to confess: last week I didn't want to go to IndyCC. [IndyCC is a winter conference for the Great Lakes region of Cru. A huge part of my internship this summer was to help plan the conference.] I didn't want to go because I was convinced that I screwed it up. Convinced that my leadership and planning this summer ruined the conference. I was sick to my stomach with worry to see everyone and face my failures.
Dramatic, right?
But it's how I felt. I'm always quick to jump to the worst and most outlandish conclusion, as many of you know. But once I got to the conference it was instantly obvious how much it was not about me. Hilariously obvious, actually. There was so much more planning and thought put into the conference than I would ever guess - and God had much bigger plans than any of us expected.
And it doesn't end there.
This whole semester has been a battle. A battle against myself, mostly, against lies and isolation and loneliness. A battle that shouldn't have ever happened to begin with. Reflecting over break has made me realize that. How selfish I have been, how my prayers have reflected only a superficial understanding of God's divine plan. How self-focused I have been, reaching out to serve or genuinely care about others very little. Slowly but surely Papa has been revealing these things, which has been needed but certainly not easy.
And it was with these thoughts and regrets lying heavily on my heart that I began to worship. I began to sing, to raise my hands and my heart and feel the regrets melt as the warmth in my chest grew brighter and brighter. There is no chance for anything dark against His holy light.
"I have decided to follow Jesus," we all sang, over 2,000 college students vowing to surrender. As I sang those words another phrase came to mind, a phrase I heard in a song from a Pslam, the phrase
I realize that I haven't posted in... well... months. With so many blogs and articles floating around Facebook I didn't feel that I had anything worthwhile to add to the masses.
Well, today I do, because nothing I have to say is about me.
It's about Jesus.
But first, I have something to confess: last week I didn't want to go to IndyCC. [IndyCC is a winter conference for the Great Lakes region of Cru. A huge part of my internship this summer was to help plan the conference.] I didn't want to go because I was convinced that I screwed it up. Convinced that my leadership and planning this summer ruined the conference. I was sick to my stomach with worry to see everyone and face my failures.
Dramatic, right?
But it's how I felt. I'm always quick to jump to the worst and most outlandish conclusion, as many of you know. But once I got to the conference it was instantly obvious how much it was not about me. Hilariously obvious, actually. There was so much more planning and thought put into the conference than I would ever guess - and God had much bigger plans than any of us expected.
And it doesn't end there.
This whole semester has been a battle. A battle against myself, mostly, against lies and isolation and loneliness. A battle that shouldn't have ever happened to begin with. Reflecting over break has made me realize that. How selfish I have been, how my prayers have reflected only a superficial understanding of God's divine plan. How self-focused I have been, reaching out to serve or genuinely care about others very little. Slowly but surely Papa has been revealing these things, which has been needed but certainly not easy.
And it was with these thoughts and regrets lying heavily on my heart that I began to worship. I began to sing, to raise my hands and my heart and feel the regrets melt as the warmth in my chest grew brighter and brighter. There is no chance for anything dark against His holy light.
"I have decided to follow Jesus," we all sang, over 2,000 college students vowing to surrender. As I sang those words another phrase came to mind, a phrase I heard in a song from a Pslam, the phrase
Forever Your Praises Will Be on My Lips.
That simple sentence stopped me in my tracks. It stands for so many things in my life, but most importantly it stood for what I wanted this new year - this whole new life, really - to be. That no longer would my lips say lies or self pity or tear others down or seek glory for myself, but they would praise You. They will always give You the credit and they will always seek You first. This phrase has become my resolution, if you will. My promise to God for this year.
Because He has given us so much grace. So much wisdom and love and talent, that we may bring Him glory. And even as I reflect more, I see how beautiful it is that I am not perfect or consider myself all that wise, because He is ALL of that and so much MORE. He is the ultimate package. He is perfect so that I do not have to be. He died so that I do not have to live in this heavy darkness anymore.
I refuse to make this a "conference high". I refuse to go back to how I acted last semester. If you catch me doing it, call me out - please. I am prone to wander but I know that He will bind my wandering heart to Him, my wandering, constantly being renewed heart.
And even this week, renewing friendships and making unexpected new ones, shows His faithfulness. This week was one full of the lightest joy, catching up with my project friends and exploring new places. Hearing truth and worshipping and allowing myself to give up my control and idea of how my life should go. And seeing His face not only in the sunrise, but in the eyes of all my brothers and sisters. And, of course, laughing so hard I cry.
He chooses the doubter, the failure, the prostitute, the worrier, the inadequate - and renews them. If that doesn't pull your heart strings, I don't know what will.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." -Matthew 11:28-29
Because He is good, and I am so thankful.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Update
Hey friends!
This is random but I COMPLETELY forgot to update everyone when the IndyCC site went live! I know you were all waiting on the edge of your seat to see the site, so my apologies ;)
Anyways, go to IndyCC.org to see the new website, logo, theme, etc. Everything is brand new from this summer, and we're all very happy with how it turned out. To see a few of the marketing materials, go under Resources --> marketing. Unfortunately most of the print materials aren't on there, but I'll link them on here soon.
Have a good one!
This is random but I COMPLETELY forgot to update everyone when the IndyCC site went live! I know you were all waiting on the edge of your seat to see the site, so my apologies ;)
Anyways, go to IndyCC.org to see the new website, logo, theme, etc. Everything is brand new from this summer, and we're all very happy with how it turned out. To see a few of the marketing materials, go under Resources --> marketing. Unfortunately most of the print materials aren't on there, but I'll link them on here soon.
Have a good one!
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Imperfections.
I've said my whole life that I like imperfections.
Exactly twenty minutes ago, I realized this was a lie.
I don't like imperfections, I tolerate imperfections because I feel like I can't do any better. A graphic designer is trained to have a critical eye, to notice and critique every small detail. At first noticing these small things was a struggle and was unnatural to me, but now it's second nature. See a cool print ad? Analyze the font and color choices. See a cool website? Analyze how it was coded. My own design? Nitpick until my eyes grow blurry.
It's gotten pretty miserable, and it's taken 95% of the joy out of art and the reason I like it so much.
The worst part is that I've started to give this kind of of critique to myself.
I must be a failure because my professor didn't like this design. I must be worthless because I don't have my own logo yet or website or do freelance or ________. I clearly am a poser art major because everything I do doesn't come out on the first try. That pot? Lumpy. I fail. I must be too fat or short to be liked by him. I must just be not good enough for reasons a, b, and z. Blah blah blah. Those thoughts will drive you crazy.
And they have. But also they have to stop.
The Lord declares, " 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.' "(2 Corinthians 12:9).
He says that "He will cover [me] with his feathers, and under His wings [I] will find refuge; His faithfulness will be [my] shield and rampart." (Psalm 91:4).
And He says that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made." (Psalm 139:14).
"The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace." (Romans 8:6).
I know these truths, but do I believe them? Hardly. Am I living in the freedom and the love that He gives? Nope. Am I surrendering myself to let the Spirit live through me? Absolutely not. Am I living with a mind governed by the flesh? Unfortunately, yes.
Suffice to say I've been convicted of quite a few things the past week. I'm always so scared of the future and being seen as egotistic (weird, but true) and of not living up to others expectations that I set my expectations for myself higher than I could ever reach. I expect myself to be perfect, but also expect myself to fail. And so the cycle continues. These negative thoughts have been swirling around inside of me like acid, causing my self will to disintegrate along with my joy.
I need prayer, and lots of it. This semester has been an emotional and stressful roller coaster, but it doesn't have to be that way. I was talking to one of my friends from project a couple days ago, and he reminded me that God is always going to reveal Himself in huge crazy ways. Sometimes I just have to have faith that He's there, and trust in the still small voice instead of relying on the dramatic moments. That was a huge revelation, one I'm s till trying to process.
There have been good things too, please don't take this post as a total self-depricating thing. If anything, it's a step and a commitment to move away from that kind of thought. Our character is refined in the valley, after all. He is our strength, and He is faithful to the end, stable while I waver and toss like the sea. And He doesn't want my deeds or my art or my works so much as He wants me. That's mind blowing in itself!
Exactly twenty minutes ago, I realized this was a lie.
I don't like imperfections, I tolerate imperfections because I feel like I can't do any better. A graphic designer is trained to have a critical eye, to notice and critique every small detail. At first noticing these small things was a struggle and was unnatural to me, but now it's second nature. See a cool print ad? Analyze the font and color choices. See a cool website? Analyze how it was coded. My own design? Nitpick until my eyes grow blurry.
It's gotten pretty miserable, and it's taken 95% of the joy out of art and the reason I like it so much.
The worst part is that I've started to give this kind of of critique to myself.
I must be a failure because my professor didn't like this design. I must be worthless because I don't have my own logo yet or website or do freelance or ________. I clearly am a poser art major because everything I do doesn't come out on the first try. That pot? Lumpy. I fail. I must be too fat or short to be liked by him. I must just be not good enough for reasons a, b, and z. Blah blah blah. Those thoughts will drive you crazy.
And they have. But also they have to stop.
The Lord declares, " 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.' "(2 Corinthians 12:9).
He says that "He will cover [me] with his feathers, and under His wings [I] will find refuge; His faithfulness will be [my] shield and rampart." (Psalm 91:4).
And He says that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made." (Psalm 139:14).
"The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace." (Romans 8:6).
I know these truths, but do I believe them? Hardly. Am I living in the freedom and the love that He gives? Nope. Am I surrendering myself to let the Spirit live through me? Absolutely not. Am I living with a mind governed by the flesh? Unfortunately, yes.
My next assignment in my drawing class is a self portrait.Two of them, actually. I started on it yesterday with the worst attitude I think I've ever had. I approached it with a sour taste on my tongue and a bitterness in my heart, tearing myself apart as I attempted to draw my eyes and mouth and nose. I had nothing good to say about myself, nothing at all. And it was probably the worst, most depressing hour of my day. After class when I walked to my car I realized - I had just given God the worst critique I could have. I liked nothing. I hated on His craftsmanship, His perfect placement and thoughtfulness as He created me. I also hated on Him, because I'm made in His image. I had spent the last hour (and past years of my life, to be honest) hating on the God of the Universe.
Um, awkward.
I have a lot to learn, and I'm thankful that He is full of grace and patience and revealed those things to me in a soft whisper rather than a mountain-shattering yell.
Suffice to say I've been convicted of quite a few things the past week. I'm always so scared of the future and being seen as egotistic (weird, but true) and of not living up to others expectations that I set my expectations for myself higher than I could ever reach. I expect myself to be perfect, but also expect myself to fail. And so the cycle continues. These negative thoughts have been swirling around inside of me like acid, causing my self will to disintegrate along with my joy.
I need prayer, and lots of it. This semester has been an emotional and stressful roller coaster, but it doesn't have to be that way. I was talking to one of my friends from project a couple days ago, and he reminded me that God is always going to reveal Himself in huge crazy ways. Sometimes I just have to have faith that He's there, and trust in the still small voice instead of relying on the dramatic moments. That was a huge revelation, one I'm s till trying to process.
There have been good things too, please don't take this post as a total self-depricating thing. If anything, it's a step and a commitment to move away from that kind of thought. Our character is refined in the valley, after all. He is our strength, and He is faithful to the end, stable while I waver and toss like the sea. And He doesn't want my deeds or my art or my works so much as He wants me. That's mind blowing in itself!
He is so so good. I have a long ways to go, and a long road as I pursue holiness and my Creator, but I'm finding that it's okay to let go of control. It's okay to let Him do the carving and the planning and the painting. It's okay to leave myself unfinished for my Papa to do the finishing touches. Grace. That's another word I've forgotten.
He revealed my story to me a couple weeks ago, and I'm not entirely sure what to do with it but I'm excited to see where He takes me next. I may post it on here. We'll see.
Thank you for reading this slightly random blog post and being interested enough in my thoughts to do so. Everyone, have a lovely day, and let God love on you a bit (:
Meg.
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